Memory

I've been concerned with memory lately. Since my mama died in December, I spend a lot of time thinking about her and remembering good things and heartbreakingly sad things. I'm trying to write down memories and associations which helps with grieving, I think, and also for Georgia so that she will at least have a flavour of what her Gran was like. Today I enjoyed making a list of things that remind me of my mother and also of her mother, my Granny Hart (should have been Heart as she was always so sweet to me).


My Mother:

• Sweet Williams
• Chocolate pecan fudge
• The song "Secret Love" (as sung by Doris Day)
• White (like her hair)
• Rocking chairs
• Construction paper ( she kept a folder of shapes for holiday decorations)
• Black dress over white blouse
• Blue Christmas lights
• Keeping boxes

My Granny:

• Long white braid coiled into a bun
• Colourful dresses
• Bananas
• Knee high hose
• Perfect white skin
• Rocking Chairs
• African Violets
• Mother-in-law tongues

Things from these lists that apply to me at the moment:

• Hair that is turning white
• Bananas
• Secret Love - Georgia and I sing it together( we love Doris Day), but I usually tear-up because I can hear Mama sing it.
• Mother-in-law tongues (lovely plant on my patio)
• Paper collections (I have a great collection of business envelopes that are lined with different patterns)
• I hate throwing good boxes away

I like making lists - it feels less arse-y than trying to express emotional ideas in sentences. I feel so self conscious about writing about private feelings - that kind of writing always sounds so weedy and needy to me. Probably why I never kept a diary- that and the fear that my mother would read it. Another memory: she was sooo nosey. Sometimes it felt like the thoughts in my head were all I could keep private while living at home. Although I know it was a mother thing and I was (still am) an oversensitive teenager, I will try hard not to repeat it with Georgia.

I was listening to a radio programme the other day about children's memories - basically not much sticks until after they are 4 or 5 years old. I think that is so sad. Georgia's life is full and happy, but she won't remember anything specific about this lovely summer when she is older- but the general feel of it will remain in her subconsious. Another reason for writing more down for her.

Georgia at 4:

• Pink
• Dresses and skirts preferred (but she looks so funky in jeans)
• Silly made up rhymning words
• Cheerios
• Ice Lollies
• Jessica and Belle
• Playing in the bath for ages
• Dressing up
• Bunny
• Always requiring to be the winner at races
• natural kindness
• lip gloss
• tickle spot just at the top of her chest which makes her belly-laugh
• incredibly beautiful dewy skin